Dawn

So much has changed and yet nothing at all.

I don't know if anybody reads this blog. I'd be surprised if they do- Kurt? Becca? Lizzy? Who knows? If they do read this, damn, they have perseverance, considering I haven't posted here in what seems like years.

And now I feel as though I have nothing to say. I know I do. I just don't know what it is.

But life comes at you without warning, they say, they say it happens without warning and so I'm sitting here with a warning wondering if it'll ever happen.

I feel like repeating I Don't Know over and over again but that's a loop and I can't stand loops. I need to move on past this past this so cliche high school crap and move on. I said to Roze that once I find the answers to everything then I can act confidently and decisively, and then I realized that those people are usually wrong, the ones that can move like that. So here I am, like a giant blue heron, so Becca says, bobbing and gracelessly weaving through the world. I felt so good in San Diego, damn it, and the longer I'm back here the worse I feel about myself, and I feel as though I'm so fucking concerned with physical images I'm letting my mind go to waste.

I sincerely believe I'm destined to do something great. I feel as though I was meant to make a difference, and I know I've always felt that, and I'm just waiting for the day. I know I am meant to be a groundbreaker, a pioneer, a visionary. I want to save the world, and I swear to myself that I will someday. A life without making a difference is a life failed.

I just hope that I know what to do when the time comes.

I hate Santa Barbara and everybody I know except for Becca.
With a passion.


Fuck.

wtfuuuuck

Today I was driving home from picking up bread, and I was doing just fine- cruising through yellow lights, accelerating through turns, etc, and I reached North Patterson. As I was driving I saw the most beautiful man I think I've ever seen. He made my heart literally skip a beat, and I almost swerved into the tree.
He was carrying a long, flat board, and he was going to load it into his hatchback. I've never seen him before, but he was my age, with beautiful blonde hair that sort of fell into his eyes and a tight tshirt and as he saw me he made eye contact and smiled, which is the point where I almost swerved off the road. I watched him in the rear-view mirror, forgetting for a moment that the road curved, forgetting everything except this... this vision, the smile.
I think that decides that. It was like a sign or something.
I've gained a new appreciation for James Blunt's song "You're Beautiful".

The Origins of Stars

Daniel sat against the eucalyptus tree at night. He smelled the branches that hovered over the bluffs. He saw the stars so far away. He felt the cool breeze that flowed through his windbreaker, and he thought.
Stars fell from the sky tonight, so many that the child inside him began to fear that there would be no more in the sky. He wondered where they were going. He thought about what sort of thing would make something as powerful as a star fall, and why so many people were dying.
The dirt was imprinted with where he sat. He had sat there for what seemed like an eternity, and possibly was. Angels left no marks in the dirt where they walked, but sitting was a different matter. And if eternity was forever, he had not sat there for eternity.
He remembered when he watched his mother pass away. It was not peaceful and it was not quiet. He held her hand through it. And when he felt it clench one last time with the clasp of the dying, he thought about where he would find dinner. He was out of money.
After his mother's unmarked burial, he wrapped himself in his thin windbreaker. He had to find food, but on a night like this- so clear and transparently cold- he could barely bring himself to move. He hunched over against the chill and the pain in his stomach.
August had become much colder and the people were dying much faster. Nobody had food to spare. Nobody had a job to offer. There were dying people on the street. It had been night for weeks, and some people, like Daniel's mother, needed the sun to survive.
He thought it was funny that the freckled and weatherbeaten skin on her hand was transparent when she died. He thought about the easy way her mind slipped out of her body. He wondered if maybe his mind had gone somewhere else, too.
When Daniel died, there had been no sun for over 2 months. The world that he knew was collapsing in on itself, and so he was not so sad to go. He was curious, though. He thought maybe, wherever he was going, there would be some answers.
But when he got there, it was still night. An easy wind blew the gates open and closed, and the dilapidated opal sheen flaked off against the rusty hinges. Inside he saw nobody, and he was not really surprised. He started to walk, just like he had done so long in life. It was the only thing he could think to do.
When he got to the cliffs, he knew he had gone as far as he could go. So he sat and watched stars fall from the increasingly black sky. The tree behind him had yahweh+mary carved behind him, enclosed in a crude heart. He wondered who had carved that. He wondered how long ago it had been since it was carved.
The last stars were falling, one by one. Finally, one dim, glittering loner was left. He watched it, and it stared back at him. He stood, brushed the heavenly dirt off his pants. The star shimmered as he walked to the edge of the sandy cliff.
Daniel's windbreaker billowed out behind him as he leapt from the edge, and as he fell toward the dark ocean, the star arced gracefully down toward the horizon. The water and the edge of the world made no sound when he hit.

I wish I was beautiful.

If I was beautiful people would love me.

AES

Aerogenesis Studios is finally online!
Go there now:
Aerogenesis Studios

More interface adjustments on the way. Big adjustments.

Something evil this way comes.

Things are about to get interesting around here.

Stay tuned.