Serendipity with a touch of salt

I feel inspired, instigated, instilled with a sense of BAM-ness! I want to run jump laugh bounce and then sock somebody REALLY hard just because I could. I want to run away and never come back, I want to blame somebody for being born, I want to spit out cliches and NOT CARE because DAMN IT so WHAT if I use capslock? So rarely do we feel as alive as these moments, these effervescent moments of pure energy! Let it go! It'll come back anyway! Everything comes back in the end, the rain and the sun and the dark and the light, it all comes back!
IT'S ALL COMING BACK.
I'd also like to point out, that "come on" is one phrase that does not have any stems on the letters, like b or p or i.
≤<.................................................................>≥
So the feeling is gone now. But that's ok. It'll come back. It always does. And you know, everything comes in cycles, and I'm not afraid to be who I am anymore, and I'm not afraid to say what I want anymore, and I'm OK now. I'm going to obsessively order my colored pencils and speak in weird phrases and just be myself. Because on the one week where I can't do anything besides study, on the week of #2 pencils and flashcards, I'm going to wear my boar's tooth necklace and dress like it's 70's day and I'm going to ace every single fucking final. Speaking of fucking, I highly recommend readers to visit
www.fuckthesouth.com
because it's really funny and it has an excellent point.
AND I totally ran out of steam. Whee. I studied all day for my math final. No, I don't think you understand. ALL DAY. From 7 in the morning until 10 minutes ago. 15 hours of studying. That is far more math than any human should ever have to deal with. But I'm so lame- that's probably nothing compared to college.
I was thinking of UC Santa Cruz as a possible college for me to attend. It's pretty, it's close by and yet far away, and the city of Santa Cruz sent a letter to Congress demanding Bush's impeachment. Which seals the envelope, imho.
To a time when teeth are brushed go I.

For those of you not fortunate to own large collections of colored pencils that you can arrange in spectrographic order, I'm sorry. Because it's one of the most mind-numbingly fun things you can do. Man... if I was autistic I'd be in serious trouble.

one MILLION dollars...

I have absolutely nothing to write about. I'm feeling sorta anhedonic. I don't really feel anything at the moment. Therefor, why I'm updating is a real mystery, because I have nothing to say. I'm stressed about finals, I'm dreading tomorrow morning because I have to run in this 5k and I haven't run in 6 weeks, I'm not depressed or anything, I dunno. Blah. I'm tired of the computer. I think I want to do something new. Something different. I don't know what. Yada yada yada. Blah Blah Blah.

Anhedonia is a disorder where you do not feel anything. Becca told me this. An= not hedon=feel therefor anhedonic= not feeling.
e.e. cummings is brilliant, but emily dickinson is more brilliant. and you know what, kurt is more brilliant still. who else would write about a giant sea monster that has an infestation of meerkats? sorry, i know that's not what you meant, but it's still an awesome analogy.
so yeah. anhedonia. fun stuff.
ok. I'm done now.

Awesome lyrics...

Dear God
Hope you got the letter and...
I pray you can make it better down here
I don't mean a big reduction in the price of beer
But all the people that you made in your image
See them starving on their feet
Cause they don't get enough to eat
From God
I can't believe in you
Dear God
Sorry to disturb you but...
I feel that I should be hear loud and clear
We all need a big reduction
In the amount of tears
And all the people that you made in your image
See them fighting in the street
Cause they can't make opinions meet about God
I can't believe in you
Did you make disease
and the diamond blue?
Did you make mankind
after we made you?
And the devil too?
Dear God,
Don't know if you noticed but...
Your name is on a lot of quotes in this book
And as crazy humans wrote it
you should take a look
And all the people that you made in your image
Still believeing that junk is true
Well I know it ain't and so do you, dear God
I can't believe in
I don't believe in
I won't believe in heaven and hell
no saints no sinners no devil as well
no pearly gate no thorny crown
you're always letting us humans down
the wars you bring
the babes you drown
those lost at sea and never found
and it's all the same the whole world round
the hurt I see helps to compound
That Father, Son, and Holy Ghost
is just somebody's unholy hoax
And if you're up there you'd perceive
That my heart's here upon my sleeve
If there's one thing I don't believe in...
It's you, dear God.

-Dear God, Sarah McLachlan

One last day to live

I almost died.
Yes, me. This is how I figure it:
My friend, Jory, got in an accident. He had 2 other people in his car, and none of them were hurt. But- consider this. You know those accidents where one person dies out of the entire car, and everybody else is uninjured? I probably would have been that one person, because the seat that person would be in was empty. And I was going to get a ride with him, but instead I left with another friend. How crazy is that? I mean... In all probability, I wouldn't have died. But there is that chance that I would have been the one, the single fatality. And that brings me to my topic of the day:

What if you had one last day to live?

Consider this for a moment. Your day starts at 12:00 am and continues to the next 12:00 am. What would you do? How would you see everything? I mean... everything would be totally screwed up. Would you spend your day saying goodbye? Could you tell anybody? Would you be depressed? I don't know what I would do. It's a sobering thought, really.
You know that panicky feeling you get when you have to leave loved ones for a while, and you want every moment to mean something? The whole day would be like that.

I could die any day. I mean, think about it. You or I could get hit by a drunk driver, or I could have a brain hemorrhage, or I could die in any number of ways. Hence the phrase "Live every day like it's your last." But then... if you did that... life would be one long panic strike.

We live as though we'll live forever, but it's the one true fact in life that we don't. Everybody dies someday, and I guess what I should ask myself is if I'm ready to die now. I think the answer is almost always no, but some days you're a little more ready to die than others.

Yukon

I don't know what it's like to be in war and i don't really know what it's like to be in true pain. I guess i don't even know what it means to be hungry. I haven't had my home destroyed by a tsunami or a mudslide or a freak earthquake. Most people have felt at least one of these things. In this absence of experience I am certainly a minority, and I don't know where that puts me. Am I important for not having felt this? am i sheltered? Does who I am really matter even? Do I exist?
And perhaps, the most important question:
Is it bad that I have to wear sunglasses when using the computer?
Why do I ask all these questions of myself? I don't really understand anything anymore and I don't have the time or energy to figure out what it all means. There was a JSA (Junior State of America) event at Anacapa School tonight. We saw Control Room, the movie about the war in Iraq from the viewpoint of al Jazeera. It was vaguely interesting, vaguely depressing, but its primary purpose was to expose the bias of any news cover of any event, and we decided that it was impossible to show all the angles of an issue without granting omniscience.

Everything can feel so hopeless sometimes. Have you ever gotten that feeling where it all simply doesn't seem worth it? All the stress of everyday life, all the pain in the world, all the treachery of the future. I get that so much, especially now. I don't really know why.
I used to think about ending it when I got that feeling. Not suicide, but just ceasing to exist. You know, you can't do that. You can't make yourself stop existing. At least, I couldn't. But I also couldn't shake the feeling that I simply wasn't trying hard enough. I don't think that anymore. It's sort of evolved.
I have a picture in my head of a place. I don't know where the place is; I doubt it even exists. But in this place there is a forest surrounding a field of green grass. It is overcast and rainy, and the field has soft rolling hills on it. It's about a square mile in area. And in a slightly off-center hill there is a small brick cottage with smoke gently steaming from the chimney. The forest is forever and the rain is forever and nothing else in the world exists except the mountains and the shore of the lake. The lake is infinite and the mountains are infinite.
I know this place does not exist. It is folly maybe to even fantasize about such a place. It is thoughtcrime. But this is nirvana to me, and maybe it's only my heaven, maybe it's somebody else's hell. I dream of this place all the time- when I get my failing grade in math, when people give me that look that simply says "What a freak...", when the world just isn't a friendly place.
I want to escape to my fantasy world so badly it hurts. I want to sit in my cottage and draw flourishes and alphabets and learn and know and explore and live the way I want to live, and to die the way I want to die. I want to hide from people but I want to be recognized. I'm so sick of these contrasts.

Great Flood

So it's been raining really heavily here, and I think I have been a little bit calloused towards what's been happening in a town near me named La Conchita. A mudslide there wiped out a large part of the town, and I read this heartbreaking story about a man who went out to get ice cream and came back to find his home buried with his 3 children and wife inside.
I love the rain, but this is... I don't know. Somehow, I feel guilty for this. And somehow, it kind of freaks me out, because I just keep thinking about all this crazy stuff, like the tsunami, the earthquake, and how we've had the worst storm in a decade shortly after the tsunami... I mean, there were tornados. In southern California. How crazy is that?

*Sigh* I'm really tired of not sleeping. Literally. I think I'll put off homework tonight and go to bed super-early so I won't fall asleep with the teacher sitting right next to me in English. Speaking of English, there's a creepy and brilliant short story named "The Yellow Wallpaper" that I highly recommend.

And now, for a stream, a tricke, and a river of consciousness...
Piano soft and sweet with the errors of experience homework is stupid i don't know why i'm typing this as i really have no thoughts to write down right now. i mean, it's one thing to ask questions of yourself but it's another to just plow ahead with a project you don't know how to complete and an essay you don't want to right and millions of things are wrong in the world but the one thing that's right makes it all worth it. I hate being labeled, grouped, categorized, listed, I hate having a number in my high school because for christs sake how much harder is it to type the whole ten letters of my name? it's not a big fucking deal. people say that it's strange for humans to need so much sound sound sound all the time all around you and surrounding you and that's why iPods are so popular -there's a new iPod out- and how it seems like we're trying so hard to talk to god but at the same time we're not giving him a chance with the cold chaos around us all the time. i don't think i really want to hear god though. i mean, what would he/she/it say to me? erik, you're going to die on may 7th, 2089, of liver failure and diabetes, because you're a fucking sugar nut. yeah, i wouldn't put it past this deity. you know who god reminds me of? Lincoln. Don't ask me why. Just a resemblence in there somewhere this new theme glows on my computer and it kinda flips me out I don't know why it's glowing. I want the new Mac mini, it's really cute and my mom wants to get it. I'm getting tired of writing this all down so i'm going to shut up now. I have developed carpal tunnel syndrome.

"I need some sleep, I can't go on like this
tried counting sheep, but there's one i always miss
everyone says i'm getting down too low
everyone says you just gotta let it go
you just gotta let it go
you just gotta let it go"

I love the world today.
I woke up and the rainwater was pouring in sheets off my roof, and even though I had gotten about 3 hours of sleep I felt totally refreshed. And then everybody in school was like "Eeewwww! I hate this weather!" and I was so happy because the wind was blowing and the rain was pouring and it was Friday.
And I was wiring this remote for FSEA and it was so calming, twisting these wires into the switches and being all precise. And the wind was howling outside and it was cool.
Then I talked to... well, nevermind, you know who you are. And you're awesome. And I doubt anybody else reads this blog anymore anyway... anybodyanymoreanyway... wow.
Rambling. Sorry. Ok. Anyway. AUGH

I need more sleep, I'm going to bed, I swear.

Wheeeeeee.....

Doublefeel

Oh there’s a loneliness inside her
And she’d do anything to fill it in
And though it’s red blood bleeding from her now
It felt like cold blue ice in her heart
When all the colors mix together - to grey
And it breaks her heart

There's a stranger speaks outside her door
Says take what you can from your dreams
And make them as real as anything
It’d take the work out of the courage

She says, “Please
There’s a crazy man, he's creeping outside my door,
I live on the corner of Grey Street
and the end of the world”

There’s an emptiness inside her
And she’d do anything to fill it in
And though it’s red blood bleeding from her now
It's more like cold blue ice in her heart
She feels like kicking out all the windows
And setting fire to this life
She could change everything about her using colors bold and bright
But all the colors mix together - to grey
And it breaks her heart
It breaks her heart
To grey

-Grey Street, Dave Matthews Band


I'm walking on a road, it's cold and windy. Reality surrounds me but it doesn't permeate me, because I see things that aren't there. I can see cities below me, trees above me, and all around me are the imaginations of my mind. I hear thoughts and I see melodies drifting past, waving their arms toward me like phantoms of happier days. I'm underwater and the sea is pouring in, I'm running backwards and my soul is streaming out of my eyes. I see my mind before me, a glowing sphere of blackened coal, and a voice inside my head says "Don't turn around, Erik, love, don't turn around..."
It's 5 in the morning and the sun has risen to solstice, I'm singing and air is turning to ice as I spin around and around. Oak trees are all around me, the sky is below me, and then I fall.
And I'm falling and falling and I've been awake forever. I've seen the world flash past me in a breath, I've heard voices on the wind. I'm falling towards hell but I'm entering heaven. I see spirits of my enemies and the tortured souls of those I love, while through it all I fall further and further towards a center, an apex. I'm at the end of time, I've reached the bottom.
Because we're alway falling through time. Everything we see is a movement of our fall. That's why we can't time travel, because we have nothing to push off from. We're always falling, and some days I feel like I'm falling faster than everybody else.

Nothing is real to me anymore. Reality scares me, people scare me, life itself scares me. The only thing that keeps me sure I'm here is that I can't fear reality if reality does not exist, so it must exist and I must be in it. But I swear, there's no difference between my dreams and my reality any longer.

These words...

...they pour from me without meaning...

I stand at the top of a hill
I can see the world below me
the wind blows through me
night surrounds me.

The lights of the city shine in sickly yellow light
I wave my right hand over the world
and the light goes out
and all is black

My hair stirs in the chill breeze
I throw out my left hand and light pours forth
reds and blues and greens
it rockets toward the cold grey sky

the light strikes the clouds in a dance of yin and yang
I watch heaven and earth twist in violent dances
and abruptly it stops
everything stops

the wind pauses, crystallizes
icy tendrils reach out from me
I am bathed in a radiant glow
I control everything and I am god

I shatter the world and build it again
I twist the sky and extinguish heaven
through all the hate and love
and all the fear and pain

Can you hear the wind blow
through the dead-end world?
Look for me on the top of the world looking down
the king of ice and fire and earth and hell

the lord of pain and prince of betrayal
for I am the broken one, I am the lie
you seek love and I cannot speak
because I shattered the world and won't bring you back.


Happy New Year.