So much for that.

getting ditched for somebody else is always a thrilling feeling. or, if you're me, you not only get ditched for somebody else but your "date" doesn't bother showing up. I can't say this week has been the most enjoyable to my psyche. I guess you just assume you're more important to people than you really are. and the sad thing is that it's happened before, and I still didn't learn. no... I didn't learn and apparently this person didn't learn either. and i'm sorry if i'm not making much sense and i know i'm not utilizing proper capitalization but i'm feeling really sad and lazy right now.
God, it's only tuesday. and i'm so tired and i can't sleep. why is that? when you're the most tired sleep is the most elusive. i've fallen asleep in every single one of my classes every single day in the past 2 weeks. what the fuck am i supposed to do? if its not homework, its tutoring annoying kids. if its not tutoring, its yardwork. if its not that, its me sitting here typing out rambling things trying to repair the psychological damage i constantly inflict on myself. and its only tuesday. not only tuesday, but the tuesday after a long weekend. not that this weekend was particularly enjoyable, but still... i shouldn't be feeling this already, it usually takes until at least thursday. i hate school. i hate seeing those people and talking to people i don't like and pretending to be somebody i'm not. i hate watching my few friends slip away from me for newer and better things while i'm left in the dust watching them ride off into the sunset. I hate being the only one that fails the math tests because i'm asleep for most of the class. i hate the fact that i'm taking physics when there's no chance in hell that i'll ever use it. I hate the fact that i'm getting a poor grade in english, which is MY SUBJECT. I DON"T GET GRADES LIKE THIS IN ENGLISH, DAMMIT. and i hate the fact that i start yelling over everything.


I don't need no arms around me
I don't need no drugs to calm me
I have seen the writing on the wall
Don't think I need anything at all
All in all it was just bricks in the wall.
All in all you were just bricks in the wall.

Words are only words.

I'm looking inside myself, trying to find something to dredge up, spit up, eject upon the keyboard in some way of writing down some thing meaningful. I can't find anything I haven't said before and I don't want to repeat myself, but I want to say something meaningful. I want to be able to glance inside and see some writhing beast of an unfortunate emotion, like sadness or depression or despair, so I can write pseudo-intellectual whining and be content. But I'm really not finding anything.
I was thinking of going into a career as a writer or graphic artist. But then I thought about what that would entail. I'd be chained to a deadline, chained to what people wanted from me. My creativity would suffocate in a prison of other people's opinions (not like its not smothering in that prison anyway). Surely, though, doing something I used to love would be better than being isolated in a cubicle farm for the rest of my meaningful life, doomed to die in obscurity and be forgotten by future generations.
It's a funny thing, really. I live in Santa Barbara, a paradise to most people. I mean, you say "Santa Barbara" to just about anybody and they'll have a vague idea where you're talking about. But I can't stand it. I want to get away from here, away from my history and my friends and everything I used to know. Nothing is right anymore, nothing feels like it belongs. Clear blue skies and temperate climes get really really boring after a while, and I've never loved the beach. I want to go somewhere with forests, with mountains, somewhere isolated and beautiful. I want to see trees change color in the fall, I want to see a snowfall, I want to see somewhere besides this damn place.
You know what I think heaven would be? Heaven would be where you could live forever with the one you were always meant to be with, alone, simply being able to love the skies and landscape and your company. You wouldn't need to work, there wouldn't be any due dates, there would be no pain. But I don't think that you'd have everything. Material things, I mean. Because in the end, isn't the whole point of life to find love? And what is love?
I suppose I should stop talking now, this grotesque rambling can end.

I dont like your tragic sighs
as if your god has passed you by
well hey fool that's your deception.

Your angels speak with jilted tongues
the serpent's tale has come undone
you have no strength to squander.
-Sarah McLachlan, "Ice"

Scanners=Devil's Tools.

Today I was of a mind to purchase a scanner. So I do that, and I find thus the scanner comes with numerous handy accessories. To my unfortunate realization, however, said accessories do not, actually, work with said scanner. Now, methinks, explain to me why on EARTH a company would package such obviously expensive and obviously incompatible things with their product. I was in a righteous state, quite beside myself with fury, whereupon I realized that I had not, in fact, plugged anything in.

It was especially embarrassing.

Sorry for the archaic manner of speaking, I simply felt like being pompous and erudite.

The scanner works fine now, by the way. It's amazing what power will do.

Yay for all the random people who comment on my blog!

I'm not feeling much of anything right now. I don't know why. No, wait, that's not true: I'm feeling really really excited, because... hmm. I'm not really sure why. I don't think I'm ever very sure about my emotions, they change too easily. And maybe, I think it could be time for a haircut. Because I'm starting to look like some overperm'd 70's freak. But whatever.

"Didn't need anything but my own peace of mind, a voice like a whisper is going to be heard- for just one moment I'm the king of the world... I close my eyes at the power of feeling, the world couldn't save me from this dirty town..."

Alone

Some days are so dark. You don't know where to turn, what to think, what to do anymore. If you look too large, you see the pall that has covered the world. If you look too far in, you see the sadness that seems constantly ready to burst out from inside you. Sometimes life is like a game of finding the perfect focus point where you don't see either the big picture or the small picture.
"Reverend" Jerry Falwell declared a "Evangelical Revolution" today. It promotes an anti-abortion, anti-gay rights, anti-liberal agenda and he vows to harness the huge amount of born-agains in this country to further conservative, far right agendas.
I'd just like to throw in my two cents to anybody who reads this:
Being gay is not a choice. It can't be a choice. It's not a "deformity" and it doesn't have a cure. It doesn't need a cure. For a man to love another man, for a woman to love another woman, is that such a crime? What is wrong with loving somebody? For anybody to find the person they love, and to know that that is the person they want to spend the rest of their life with, is a goal that everybody should try to reach. And in the end, what does it matter if it's the same sex as you? How on earth does that affect anybody else?
Face the truth: the "sanctity" of marriage has already been shattered by countless divorces, adulterers, and lecherers. And in the end, there was nothing "sacred" in the word marriage besides the hope, the prayer, that the word contained a form of love. To promote love, in all its forms. So to those who fear for a sanctity that never existed, remind yourself that you are destroying a higher truth - love.
Some days are so dark in this world. I am alone in a endless wind opposing me in every turn, and huddled against the chill all I can see is the dark clouds on the horizon. Yet I trudge on, moving slowly to a light I know is there, past the storm. Hope is the only thing that keeps me walking forward; hope that someday it will get better. Because I know it will.